im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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