I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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