Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
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