he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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