Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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