Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
