i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
