i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Randomize
