my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
