Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
