I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
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