i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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