I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize