Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
