Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
