tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
My underwear smells like fireworks.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
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