This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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