I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
