I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
