new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Randomize
