You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
