the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
