So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
