I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
