Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
