xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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