She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
