I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
If I had your ass I would rule the world
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
