We're like a lot better than the average bears
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
