Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
oh god was she eating orange peels again
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Randomize
