She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Drake has all the answers
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
