How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
