I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
