I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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