Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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