I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
