i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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