dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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