My brain says no but my pants say off.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
