Your mouth is God's brothel.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
You dont lie about slip and slides
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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