i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I think I sprained my soul last night
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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