I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
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