I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
