I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
