Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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