I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Randomize
