I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
