A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
