someone threw a dead crab at me
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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