remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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