note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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