overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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