I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
