I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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