areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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