Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Randomize
