yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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