My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
our cab driver is having phone sex.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
