Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Randomize
